Confessions of a Crazed Fangirl

There is a time and a place for everything. Including flailing like I'm still 15...

That place is a little website called Tumblr. A place where fans of anything and everything can go to confess their die-hard love and obsession over a TV show, a movie, a book, a pop culture phenomenon, or a random genre that's of little-known interest to others. What is it about our culture and our society that people can get so intense about something so insignificant as a single book or movie? What is it that moves us to obsession?

I often find my own level of enthusiasm for certain things very amusing. I've prided myself on being a level-headed kind of gal, and yet I have to admit to myself and the internet at large that I often have an addictive personality when it comes to certain movies, books, and t.v. shows. On one hand, I was never one for role-playing and I only had a brief desire to write/read fanfiction while in high school. However, it has recently come to my attention, especially on Tumblr, that I can have a very focused, and in that sense a very obsessive, liking of certain pop culture phenomena. My current fandom obsession has branched from the television show, Glee, and now includes anything to do with Darren Criss and his theater company, Starkid Productions. Since I have not been working this summer, or had a whole lot to do at all, I've spent many a-day on Tumblr, reblogging almost every picture and post that is Darren-related. I've come to know every aspect of the man's public persona (and even a little of his private life) and also various aspects of his fandom.

For those who are oblivious of various internet jargon, a fandom is nothing more than the group of fans of a specific actor/actress/tv show/movie/book/etc. Thus, being a fan of almost anything related to Darren Criss, I am a part of the Darren Criss fandom, the Glee fandom (often called gleeks), and the Starkid fandom (also known as Team Starkid or Starkiddies). Granted, this self-identification as a fan and the subsequent banding together (often on the internet) of fans in a fandom can often develop a cult-like following. If you're looking to school yourself on fandom jargon, urbandictionary.com is an excellent place to look (I've had to go there to remind/update myself on certain phrases).

I became a fangirl at an early age. Don't we all? It's human nature to be interested in certain things and not others, to spend time on certain activities and not others. When I was young, I loved reading and became a quick fan of historical fiction, fantasy, and sci-fi. Also, like a lot of girls my age, I was in love with the boyband phenomenon: Hanson, *NSync, and Backstreet Boys posters were plastered on my walls. Starting in late middle school, and especially through high school, I increasingly became much more of a nerd. More than that, I became comfortable and confident in my nerdiness. My fan obession then turned to the Lord of the Rings, first inspired by the films and then increased when I read the books. The films continue to be some of my favorite, and in college I dug deeper into the books, discovering their academic merit and the breadth of the Ringer fandom.

Throughout this time of nerdy self-discovery, I was also a fan of the Harry Potter books, but these took a backseat to my obession over everything Tolkien. I wasn't impressed with the HP movies from the start, and while I pre-ordered books 4-7 of Harry Potter (and went to Border's at midnight a few times), I wasn't very aware of the Potter fandom until after all the books were published and I was nearing the end of my college career. I was introduced to the Vlogbrothers by another college student the summer before my senior year, and from watching their videos and participating in the Project for Awesome that December (click on the links for more details), I discovered some die-hard Potterheads on YouTube, and, through them, the immensity and longevity of the Potter fandom.

This brings us full-circle to today. When I first read in an article last fall that Darren Criss was cast in Glee, I saw that he had gone to the University of Michigan (my school's rival, and not much more than an hour away), and while there, starred in A Very Potter Musical. There were also many nerdfighters (see the Vlogbrothers link) who were talking about it around that time in a Vlogbrothers chat. After I saw Darren in his first episode on Glee (Season 2, Episode 6), I decided that I should find out what this musical was all about, and I watched both AVPM and A Very Potter Sequel over Thanksgiving weekend. I've been a Starkid fan ever since, and when I finally broke down and got a tumblr (mostly because the Vlogbrothers did), I became obsessed almost to the point of lunacy with anything Starkid or Glee related.

So what is it about tv shows like Glee or books like Harry Potter that get people so riled up that they devote every waking second on the internet to it? On one hand, it does have to do with a specific age group. Teenagers (and pre-teens) strive for inclusion, and internet fandoms are one place for that. What's more, during our teenage years we are more prone to identify ourselves and others based on a few specific traits, which often leads to cliques and stereotypes (which can then, in turn, lead to bullying). When a group of teenagers can relate to one another over a specific interest (such as a TV show or movie), they form a group that is both exclusive and inclusive (I belong because I am also like you, they don't belong because they aren't like us).

Fandoms are not limited to teens, however. There are many young adults (20s and even older), such as myself, who consider themselves as part of certain fandoms. Sure, there are less of them forming virtual communities, but I think that points more to the fact that young people today are more accustomed to the internet than older generations, and not that they are more prone to gather around a TV show, movie, or book. Fandoms are taking a new shape online, but they are nothing new (we have all heard of the intensity of Trekkies and Star Wars fans, and Lord of the Rings fans, aka Ringers, have been around a long time before the films were produced).

Yes, the intensity of needing an identity and a community may be more strongly felt by young people, because they are beginning to establish their personal selves. However, I do believe that fandoms are not based solely on teenage urges. They are based on this desire that all humans have: a desire for community and identity. This is the basis for nations and national identity, forming communities around common ideas. The foremost scholar on nationalism and national identity, Benedict Anderson, defines the nation as an "imagined political community... It is imagined because the members of even the smallest nation will never know most of their fellow-members, meet them, or even hear of them, yet in the minds of each lives the image of their communion... it is imagined as a community, because, regardless of the actual inequality and exploitation that may prevail in each, the nation is always conceived as a deep, horizontal comradeship" (The Nationalism Project). In the same way, fandoms, like nations, are imagined communities. This is not to say that these communities are imaginary, they are not, never confuse those two words. As Anderson points out, the nation is very real, especially for those who are members of it. It is imagined because it is socially constructed. In the same way, fandoms are socially constructed. They are formed by people who don't know each other, who many never meet each other, but who identify with each other based on a common interest. Like a nation, a fandom is conceived as comradeship ("Those who are not one of us would not understand"). Thus, a fandom is an imagined cultural (instead of political) community based on a particular cultural artifact (a film, a book, a public persona).

In his book, Imagined Communities (published in 1983), Benedict Anderson also argues that nationalism also spread and took root because of the development of print. In similar ways, the fandom has taken root and spread because of the development of the internet. As Thomas Friedman argues in The World is Flat, the world is becoming increasingly interconnected because of the exponential advances of technology. This has changed how people interact with one another, and in terms of cultural icons, it has been a conduit for the creation of communities based around these cultural icons. In short, fandoms have become bigger, grander, and more wide-spread because of the internet. It is because of the internet that I have been able to find other members of the Darren Criss, Glee, Harry Potter or Starkid fandoms from around the world, from places like Australia, Sweden, and Norway, and also those who went to the same college who I would never have been able to meet in real life. What's more, it is because of the internet that some of these fandoms were started in the first place, and it is because of the internet that they are able to continue to grow in new and exciting ways.

So, my fangirl ways may have just started out as teenage obsession and falling in love with people I'll never meet, but I believe it has grown into much more. Internet fandoms are virtual communities where people of all ages, races, sexual preferences, genders, backgrounds, countries, and languages can bond over common interests. And there is potential for so much more. (Check out the Harry Potter Alliance for just one example of this.)

Les Souvenirs de la France

It's been two years since I studied abroad in France. I was only there for two months (which is short in study abroad terms), but it felt almost too long for me. I got pretty homesick and I felt stressed because of the school work and the culture shock and being away from close friends and family. Yet, now that I look back on it, I miss it. I miss the country, the culture, the language, and the experience. I remember some of the little things. I remember going to the Marché Plus everyday for lunch, buying a fresh baguette, some Laughing Cow cheese (La Vache Qui Rit), and maybe some ham (jambon) and/or a fresh peach (une pêche) or other piece of fruit, and always a huge liter-sized water bottle (which was only around 60 Euro cents, which was about $1 US).

I also remember going downstairs every evening at 8 for dinner with my host family. My host mother cooked an amazing meal for us every night, usually with a salad (lettuce, sometimes with tomato, dressed in a light vinagrette), always with slices of baguette, and dessert. In June we often had fresh strawberries for dessert, small, red, and juicy sweet, sprinkled with a little sugar and served with some kind of creamy cheese. The table was always set the same, with the napkin (with a beautiful red flower on it, I kept one for my memory box) on the plate, and water in the same pitcher, with the same water glasses. We rarely ate inside (usually only on rainy days), and we usually ate on the patio that was just behind the kitchen and opened onto a lovely garden (le jardin). When we had steak (a few times) we would always have it with small glasses of red wine. There wasn't much that I didn't like - once we had salmon that wasn't fully cooked (intentionally, I thought, since just the outside was cooked and the inside was still pink), and chicken cooked in a Dijon mustard sauce (I don't like Dijon mustard, but that's usually the only kind in France). I remember my host mother (Madame) telling us she made sausage with pasta for dinner, and when she lifted the lid to the pot, there were what looked like hot dogs sitting on a bed of noodles (it was delicious). One of my favorite meals was when we had ratatouille, served as a side dish for rabbit. It was really good, and Madame said that ratatouille is perfect with rabbit. I don't remember what we had for dinner on my birthday, but I do remember the gateau (cake), it was a light meringue with sparkler candles on it, and we had it with champagne. They also gave me a beautiful book of the chateaux of the Loire Valley (which was the region where I was staying).

The first week that I was there, it rained. A lot. I was there with about 30 or so MSU students, and many of them had to buy umbrellas on the first day. With our professor and her assistant, we all trekked from where we had met at the school (L'institut de Tourraine) to the main shopping street to buy umbrellas and then go across the street to Le Fnac to get cell phones or SIM cards. I had to buy a phone since my service didn't use SIM cards (that would've been too easy), and I remember us all sitting and standing around the cell phone area, getting our professor and the people working there to help us put the minutes on our phones, since the automatic prompt was too fast for most of us to understand.

Even though I wasn't very close to any of the MSU students going on the study abroad program (I had only met a few of them prior to leaving, but I did plan a trip for our one week vacation with one girl), we all bonded over the experience while we were there, and I grew close to a small group of 3 other people who I had more in common with (people who had Christian beliefs and people who didn't want to go out to bars as often as most of the others). The four of us ended up exploring Tours together, choosing many of the same excursions, and hanging out together almost every day. We even made a friend towards the end of the eight weeks who was from Minnesota, who was only going to be studying at the school for a couple of weeks, was a Christian with similar beliefs, and somehow had known someone from my small hometown in Michigan!

Although I was excited and relieved once I got home (and the first thing I realized were how huge the cars are here), I knew that study abroad would not be my last international experience. I knew that I wanted to return to France, one day, probably just as a tourist. This experience on study abroad, however, opened my eyes - and my mind - to the possibility of new international opportunities. It is why I'm planning on going back to Europe to backpack with my friends, take my sister on a cruise, and show my mother what I loved about it when I was there. These are only three of the endless possibilities for trips to Europe and around the world.

If you want to read some of my impressions from when I was in France, check out my study abroad blog: My World Travels.

What makes you happy?

There are a lot of little things that make me happy, even (especially) minor things cheer me up on a bad day. It's the daily sights, smells, tastes, sounds, and experiences that show me how amazing this world is and how just appreciating the little things makes life better.

So, what makes me happy?

-A loving note from a friend (even just a comment on facebook or an @reply on twitter)

-Cooking, especially the smell of it. There is just something special about the aroma that a little garlic sizzling in extra-virgin olive oil creates, or how the entire house can smell like chocolate when baking a cake.

-Also, eating. I really like trying new things and even though I love to cook at home, I also love going out to eat. Favorite restaurants: Buffalo Wild Wings, Chipotle, and Noodles and Company.

-Traveling, and planning for traveling. Just imagining myself in another place and another country and all the opportunities for new experiences, makes me smile.

-Listening to my favorite music and also discovering new music (and new, great covers of my favorite songs).

-Watching a movie for the 100th time and realizing that I still love it just as much as when I first saw it.

-Reading a good book and getting completely immersed in it. Also, rereading my favorite books.

-Following a TV show that allows me to connect to and fall in love with the characters and get completely caught up in the story (such as Glee or Bones).

-Along those lines, fandoms (for the most part)! The connection you can make with people over something as simple as a television show, a movie, or a book. I've gotten excited meeting people on sites like tumblr or livejournal that are fans of the same things, and then we find out we also have other things in common (such as other interests or being at the same/similar stages in life).

-Movie trailers. Sometimes I want to watch trailers more than I want to watch a movie. Also, sometimes the trailer is a lot better than the movie.

-Temperate weather! Michigan summers are great, but I think moving to California would make me a lot happier because it would be temperate all year round.

-Spending time with family and friends, just hanging out, doing nothing in particular, talking, eating, enjoying each other's company.

-Seeing MSU/Spartan insignia on cars (etc) outside of East Lansing, especially when it's outside of Michigan (Quick story: when I was at Mont St. Michel in France, wearing a Michigan State shirt, someone told me "go green." It made my day to come across a Spartan alumnus in France.)

-Speaking and learning other languages, and along with that, learning about those cultures. (I can now say "let's go" in 5 languages: English, French, Spanish, Chinese, and Korean.)

-Reminiscing about and remembering past moments and experiences, looking at old pictures or watching home movies, while still being grateful for the here and now. This is one of the reasons I love to scrapbook.

-Photography. I'm not a photographer myself, but I really love finding/seeing new and interesting photographs and graphics online. (This is one of the reasons I joined tumblr in the first place.)

These are just some of the little things that make me happy, they may seem inconsequential at times, but this is what makes up the amazing world around me. This is what makes me who I am, and I am so grateful for it.

Thankful

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (I Corinthians 15:57)

I don't think I appreciate my life enough, sometimes. There are times when I do realize how blessed I am with friends and family, and also plenty of food, water, and material possessions, but these aren't frequent enough. God has blessed me in so many ways, and He continues to astound me and show me, even when I stray, that He loves me. Many people often come to appreciate the blessing of life when they lose a loved one, I am no exception to this, of course. I lost my grandmother this week and it made me think a lot about her life and also about life in general. The blessing that it is, and what we can do with it. God has given us this life, and whether you believe in Him or not, we have a responsibility to not only enjoy it, but to live life to its fullest.

The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10)

I am so grateful for my life and for everything in it. First of all, for my family. This week was difficult for us. Ties were tested, and while we are far from a perfect family, I really appreciated having everyone there. We all dropped everything to be there for my grandmother when the doctors said she wouldn't make it. We cried together, we laughed together, and even though we also fought together, I wouldn't trade them for anyone. I am so thankful for each and every one of them.

I am grateful for my friends, too. The ones with whom I've lived, with whom I've worked, with whom I've grown. They know me the best and they continue to love me, unconditionally, like family. Many are my brothers and sisters in Christ, my family. I know that the friends I've made in college, especially, will be my friends for the rest of my life.

I am also thankful that I've found things to be passionate about, important things such as my education and my career, my future, other cultures and the world. I'm also thankful that I've found less important interests that I can get excited about, like television shows, movies, books, and websites. The internet communities that have formed around these small things are amazing, and I continue to be impressed by the talent that I discover because of these communities. (I hope to also continue to discover new things to be interested in and excited about, along with new communities to be involved in.)

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. (Psalm 100:4)

Writing

I started writing a book today. Finally. This has been a goal in my life for a long time now, and not to say that I haven't "started" a novel before, but I'm actually getting serious about this thing. My life throughout college has really honed my writing skills, but so far all I've done is write a lot of papers. In these papers has been a lot of reflection, yes, sure, but there has been limited creativity. I used to write short stories when I was a kid, usually random things sometimes based on my life or based on something I read in a book. I always thought I could be a writer when I grew up. Now that I'm at that point in my life, however, it's a lot scarier. I'm not so sure that I have the same level of creativity now that I did when I was little. I've spent so much time writing papers that I still often think in that same format when I open a word document. Starting to write a book is a scary thing, but I think it's also going to be a crazy wonderful adventure. Below are some questions and ideas that I will be (hopefully) addressing in this book. And who knows, maybe one day it will be published.

Who and what influences us as young people?

What is inspiring?
Does life get better?

How do we prevent suicide?

How do we promote equality?

What gives life meaning? ... What about God?

What is LOVE?

In looking at each character, the question comes up: what does he/she know? what does he/she believe? What kinds of past/present experiences shape him/her?

Do people have the same experiences with different outcomes?

How are we alike? How are we different?

Insecurities vs. Confidence

Happy or depressed?

Hope vs. wish

Perceptions of others vs. the truth of others vs. perceptions of ourselves

How do we know what we know about the world? about others?

Education is Life

I've been a substitute teacher for about four months now. I thought that maybe this experience would've changed me more than it has, but I still feel like the same person with the same teaching philosophy. I've come to respect teachers more now, and substitute teachers especially. Yet, I don't think I've learned a large overarching lesson about classroom management or anything like that. The tactics that subs have to use are very different from those that regular teachers use. Reading Teaching with Love and Logic as at least shown me that. More than ever, I know that building working relationships with students is key if you want to manage a classroom and, more importantly, become a true influence in their lives.

There have been a few great moments in which I've connected with a student or realized that all of this is worth it because I'm on my way to becoming a real teacher. One of those moments was today, when I got to work with some students one-on-one and in small reading groups. They were third and fourth grade special education kids, and while I don't want to be an elementary school teacher or a special education teacher, I realized today why I want to be a teacher. I love working with students, pointing them in the right direction, and watching them learn. Those are the teaching moments that I value and they are the moments that I don't get as a substitute teacher.

Here is an excerpt from my pedagogic creed that I wrote for the College of Education:

What I believe about teaching and education has a lot to do with what I believe about life. I believe that there is more to life than going to work, making money, and paying taxes. In the same way, I believe that there is more to education than getting good grades, graduating, and getting a good job. John Dewey, an educational reformer in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century wrote, “Education is not a preparation for life; education is life itself.” I agree with Dewey: education is not merely a means to an end – that end being either good grades or a good job. Education is a life style. I am constantly learning and gathering information throughout my daily life, my education is my life.

Wanderlust

Wanderlust, according to Wikipedia, is a strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world.

I have had such a strong feeling of wanderlust recently, I feel as if I've been bitten by the travel bug. I just want to get out and see the world. Maybe it's because I'm used to travelling all over the state, and this past year or so I've been forced (financially, that is) to stay put. My dream would be to win the lottery and spend all of that money (after paying off student loans and college debt) on travelling the world. I want to go everywhere and see everything. Road tripping across the U.S., backpacking across Europe, hiking through a rain forest, climbing the Great Wall, etc. etc. etc.

A couple friends and I have made a bargain: in two to five years, once we are done with school and have a stable income, we are going on a backpacking trip across Europe. I'm so keen on the idea that I've already started mapping out itineraries (which city/country when and in which order) and looking at which hostels or hotels would suit us best. This is going to happen, I can't be tied down.

When I really think about it, though, this desire to travel is kind of strange. I've always been a homebody, and even though I've taken many many short trips to places across the state and throughout the country, I'm always happy to sleep in my own bed when the excitement of travelling is over. In fact, my longest period of travelling was when I studied abroad in France for two months in the summer of 2009. It was a great experience, but after about 4 to 5 weeks, I started getting very homesick. My reflections on this experience have brought me to conclude that if I were to travel for long periods of time, I would need to do it with someone I was close to: someone I consider family. And even though there are several people I know who also love travelling, it all comes down to money. Which always brings my thoughts back to the lottery. If I won the lottery, I would spend it all on travelling around the world...

I Want to...

- Sip some tea in London

- Leave flowers at J.R.R. Tolkien's tombstone in Oxford

- Celebrate St. Patrick's Day in Ireland

- Picnic in Paris in the spring

- Celebrate New Year's Eve in NYC

- Ride a gondola in Venice

- Make a wish at the Trevi fountain in Rome

- Bike along the Loire River in France

- Mourn the Holocaust at Auschwitz in Poland

- Hear my voice echo in the Grand Canyon

- Walk along the Great Wall of China

- See where they filmed the Lord of the Rings in New Zealand

- Go on a cruise in the Caribbean or the Mediterranean

- Climb to the top of the Acropolis in Athens

- See what steak really tastes like Down Under

- Learn how to surf in Hawaii

- Road trip out west and see the United States' greatest national parks

Addiction

Addiction (noun): the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, such as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. (From dictionary.com)

I've never had a substance addiction (other than a slight one to caffeine that affects the typical college student). However, I do know that "addictions" and obsessions are dangerous in my life. Usually it revolves around some movie, TV show, or other pop culture phenomena. My latest addiction: Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I know what you're thinking right now: "Wait, you're addicted to a television show that has been over for 7 years?" The truth is, yes, I am. Well, was up until I finished the seventh and final season of Buffy yesterday. The source of this problem is two-fold: too much time on my hands since I don't have studying to do and Netflix Instant. All seven season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer are available instantly on Netflix, and what has made it easier has been the Roku player that allows me to now watch these instant movies on my TV.

Now don't get me wrong, I've thoroughly enjoyed the 100 or so hours I've spent with Buffy, Giles, Willow, Xander, and the rest of the Scoobies. However, within the past two days alone, I watched the entire seventh season of this show. This equates to having accomplished and done almost nothing else. What do I have to show for it? An ability to connect to people over an old cult classic? Perhaps. More immediate effects have been strange dreams about super strength fighting skills and sexy, non-sparkling vampires. Also, I have a feeling that during the next week I will be going through Buffy withdrawal, and adding "y" to just about any word to make it an adjective.

All in all, I know that I have spent too much time watching Buffy on Netflix. Maybe it could have been better if it was more spread out and I didn't watch 5+ episodes in one day. All that I know now is that I have more time to be more productive. More time to practice French for my oral exam on Friday, more time with God in the Word and in prayer, more time to spend getting to know people better and building into their lives.

And also time to get addicted to a new television show...

In my lifetime...

Inspired by a vlog from Kristina Horner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_ufhex2AsI.

In my lifetime, I want to:

1. Write a book and get it published.

2. Be fluent in French.

3. Learn a third language.

4. Visit six of the seven continents.

5. Go on a missions trip (at least a short-term one).

6. Live in a state other than Michigan, at least for a little while.

7. Write my own recipes and compile them into my own cookbook.

8. Be a a part of seeing someone come to Christ, discipling them, and seeing them disciple others.

9. Get a Masters and a PhD.

10. Make a difference in students' lives.

Transitions

I'm at a strange point in my life where I seem to have been caught in between two life stages: college and the real world. I graduated in December, but right now I'm just working until I begin my student teaching in the fall. (My university's student teaching program is a full year that happens after graduation and the achievement of a bachelor's degree.) I'm in a state of liminality. Liminality is the uncomfortable condition of being caught betwixt and between (as discussed in Victor Turner's The Anthropology of Performance).

While I do often feel uncomfortable about this situation in which I seem to not be moving forward, I also want to enjoy it. First of all, as a future teacher, this is one of the few periods in my life where I will not have to be constantly working and planning. Also, this is my last chance to spend time with college friends. There have been a lot more opportunities presenting themselves to just have fun, like concerts and other once-in-a-lifetime type of events. Yet, I always go back to thinking about the future. Where will I be 2 years from now? Will I be teaching in another state? Will I get a chance to travel? Will I be dating?

During my freshman year of college, I wrote an essay that compared a refugee's memoir with my own experiences of feeling "displaced." It is a strange thing to go back to that essay about how I no longer felt at home anywhere and realize that I've changed so much since then. For one, I do feel at home at MSU: the university has been the center of my life for almost 5 years. I wrote in the essay (entitled "Nowhere") that "I have yet to discover where exactly my heart lies, because I am in the middle of two places. My home is “now here” and “nowhere” at the same time." I am about to enter this physical liminality soon, while now I am still dealing with a metaphysical liminality, or a temporal liminality as it were. Yet, God comforts me.

“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. -Luke 12:27-31

Keeping up with promises

On January 1st, I wrote that I would update this blog once a week...
...so much for that.

I've thought a lot about why resloultions can be so difficult. It's all about self-discipline and staying accountable to yourself, something that I find is the hardest thing to do. Staying accountable to another person is easier: the consequences for failing someone else seem so much more dire. It's not just about dissapointing yourself anymore, it's about dissapointing them. When you are held accountable by someone else, be it a friend, a parent, a teacher, or anyone, you must confess to them when you mess up or, even easier for you, they notice right away when you slip up. A teacher will notice if you start failing their class and a parent will notice if you break one of their rules. There are immediate consequences for this, as well as the dissapointment that the other person has in your short comings. This has often kept me more accountable. If I have to report to someone else about a resolution to do something, then I tend to stick to that resolution more than if I just keep it for myself. I keep my promises to others much more easily than I do to myself.

If I fail myself, I try to excuse it: I didn't follow through because of this reason or that reason. I didn't excercise today because I was too busy, stressed, tired, not feeling well, etc. Excuses to myself seem a lot more plausable than excuses to others.

This reminds me that God never fails in his promises.
"God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" -Numbers 23:19

"Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does." -Psalm 145:13

A New Year

Heading into this new year is going to bring a lot of firsts for me. Yes, every new year brings new experiences into one's life, this is true for everyone. But as I look forward to the next year I look into unchartered waters. This will be the first year where I won't be a college student. For the first eight months of 2011, I will be a normal, working adult. It's really a frightening thought while at the same time being terribly exciting. The next year ahead will be a year of firsts, a year of completely new experiences. I have little or no precedent for these experiences. Although it is frightening, like I said, I'm looking at this new year with a new hope and a bright outlook. I refuse to worry about the things that I cannot control; I give it all to God and choose to follow Him as He chooses my path for this year.

With that in mind, here are my goals for this year, a sort of bucket list, if you will: things I want to do before 2011 kicks the bucket.
1. Write a book. Not necessarily finish it, but at least get a good draft done by the end of the year.
2. Update this blog at least once a week. I meant to do this when I started the blog. However, things like school and life got in the way. I've kept some sort of journal or blog of my thoughts for the greater part of my life, and I really hope to continue that so that I can continue to improve my writing skills.
3. Keep up with my cooking blog. http://www.nikkiinthekitchen.blogspot.com/
4. Keep in touch with friends better. As we grow older and start graduating college, we continue to get more and more seperated. I really do want to keep in touch with people better. Especially Megan, who is in Cameroon. Check out her blog: http://www.wouldbewritten.blogspot.com/
5. Dig deeper into the Word. I spent most of last year reading through parts of the Old Testament. It has been a great exploration that has truly strengthened my faith. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me this year through the revelation of Scripture.
6. Be healthier. I suppose the ultimate goal of this would be to lose weight, but that just sounds so cliche. All I really want to do is feel better about my body image, and shed that extra Freshman 15+ that I've gained through college. This begins with what I cook and Pilates/Yoga.